A Swirling Black Pool

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You can’t cure depression, you can only put it back in it’s cage with a very big padlock!

So it was a comment on my “Friends on Benefits” post that made me even think of writing this post, and since moving on to WordPress I haven’t actually discussed this particular topic. So Why not ey? The topic I’m talking about is Depression!

It wasn’t that long ago that I thought life just wasn’t worth it, I’d fill my days with horrible thoughts about myself and wish for the “at the time” shit life to end. Depression is confusing, there is no real start and no real end to it, it can come and appear to vanish like a ghost, but when you’re least expecting it, on a lovely day, you’ll be swallowed up in a swirling black pool of depression ready to start the cycle again. 

Who knows why we become depressed? Why only certain people suffer with it? Yet my comfort is knowing I’m not alone, and others should know that too. Millions maybe even billions of people suffer with depression at one point in their lives or another. Some people are so bad they don’t recover from it, they take their lives or end up in a psych ward for the remainder of their years. Some people are lucky and only have it last for a few weeks. To someone that’s never had depression, those few weeks could be the worst in your life. Or at least they’ll seem it!

My depression “started for lack of a better term” somewhere around the age of 18. At 18 I should have been going out with friends, enjoying my life, but instead I was struggling to come to terms with who I was, had lost all but one of my friends, and lacked a social support from my family because I refused to tell them what was going on in my head for fear I’d be sectioned! I immersed myself in work, working as much as I could only for the depression to get worse and realizing I had to change something in my life, to make it better, I enrolled in college for Health and Social care. I made “friends” more like classmates that I’d spend more time with and actually enjoy spending time with, unfortunately I’m crap at keeping in contact with people and they all headed of to Uni to fulfill they’re desires and I dropped out a year early (college, I never made it to uni). My depression seemed to subside during college, and I think, think I was happy, I mean I wouldn’t change anything about the experience so that’s saying something.

Unemployment struck when I left college, it seemed no one wanted me to work for them, and if I’m being honest, I didn’t try, I was young and naive and thought a job would pluck itself out of thin air especially for me! Obviously it didn’t and 9 months later I was back at the old place.

Depression: Round Two

I was back at the old place when it struck again, and I honestly think it was to blame (As if depression needs an excuse to rouse it bastard head) I was promoted, but didn’t feel like I fit the shoes, I wasn’t made to feel like part of the management team, and I didn’t fit the staff team so I was alone, in limbo.I wasn’t being paid for the position I was in, and generally felt used (like one of those dirty girls who thinks sex at a frat boys party will lead to Romeo and Juliet love! Sorry girl it leads to you being called a large variety of words! Not the nice ones either).  It was horrible, to think I had worked so hard to get where I was for the realization that they didn’t care in the first place, then I began to think other people didn’t care, Mr. Paranoia and Mrs. Anxiety popped up too! I was gone. I felt like shit all the time, I felt alone in a world full of people. I was signed off sick for 3 weeks with depression and anxiety and after much deliberation these were the three weeks I decided I would eventually leave my job in search of something else. It took me six months to hand my notice in, the confidence was knocked out of me that much, that it took me 6 long treacherous months to write a letter to say, goodbye, fuck off, don’t speak to me again professionally. 

I have made myself a vow not to return to that place, I hold too many bad feelings there and for now they can stay there, maybe in the future I will return as a paying customer, but these days it’s a get in, get out situation. Longer than 5 minutes and my skin begins to crawl. 

Today, as of this moment at 04:03 11/11/13 I’m doing OK, I have my moments and Mrs Anxiety pops up like a nasty infection from time to time but I haven’t felt suicidal again since before I left in September so things are looking up, and I did it all on my own! All I have to do now is find a job but that’s an every man problem not a depressed problem! 

So there is my, not as short as I thought it would be, depression story! I want you all to know that if you have depression, had it, or any form of it then I’m here for you. And if someone ever tells you you’ve go no reason to be depressed, give em a quick jab to the face. No I’m joking, they’re obviously looking at the outer parts of your life and not the inner! 

Till next time

Stay safe

Jamie-Leigh x x  x

 

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